one year of SMILE:D
At the time I’m typing this, it’s a day late to the actual one year anniversary but sadly being an adult in today’s world has a way of wearing you down. This is also probably only going to be semi-coherent and probably cringe, since when I think about/talk about this album I get so excited and just kind of ramble.
Anyways, for a bit of backstory/context. I wasn’t introduced to Porter’s music until around 2016/2017 and I first heard Fresh Static Snow and the Worlds album. This song was such a game changer for me. It was a song that even still I hold so close to my heart since I’d never heard a song that put the exact type of yearning that I’ve felt into such perfect words. Like.. that mourning for someone you’ve never met and probably never will meet but would be that missing piece to your life. From then on, I followed Porter but remained a casual fan. When Nurture came out, I had stepped away from listening to music as much as I used to, which is funny because I attribute my very existence still remaining to music. I hadn’t listened to it much except for Get Your Wish, which quickly became my favorite song from him besides Fresh Static Snow. I mostly brushed it off, still primarily just being a Worlds fan. Looking back now, Nurture has become a special album to me as well, and I know if I had given it more of a chance at the time, it really could’ve helped with some of the things I was struggling with at the time. However, at that point in my life, there was pretty much just empty space and static in my mind.. I was mainly on autopilot since depression left room for nothing else. It wasn’t until hearing Cheerleader all these years later and reading the words and then getting into this album that I can say that Porter skyrocketed to being one of my favorite artists of all time.
I’ve told people that Smile literally has changed my perspective on a lot of things. Growing up, around the age of 8 or 9, Fall Out Boy’s From Under the Cork Tree changed my adolescent life, along with other bands like My Chemical Romance, The Killers, etc... The songs on those albums carried me through so many things at that time. They touched on so many topics relevant to me at that time. Imagine so many years later… Smile has given me that same feeling. This album has genuinely changed my adult life. I was 28 at the time and have now recently turned 29. Lately I had been feeling very…. Lonely? Maybe that’s not the right word, since I’m surrounded by so many amazing friends and family. I guess it’s more like… I’m yearning for the past and the way things used to be, yet also yearning for the future that I had planned. I am tragically nostalgic and have been feeling very down about aging, insecurity, and generally just letting go and embracing things for what they are. I felt like all the fun had been had and that everything is all dried up since I was perceiving myself as “old”. So many songs on this album helped turn that around for me.
The other reason this album is so special to me is because of the themes of parasocial fan/artist relationships. I have always been someone who felt very deeply when it came to music, and that hasn’t changed. I become kind of… attached to the artists in a way that can sometimes border parasocial, as embarrassing as that sounds writing it out.. However, even through the bits of poking fun, Porter portrays it as a beautiful thing as well. Everything to Me actually made me cry when I first heard it because it summed up every single feeling that I have always felt in relation to the artists that I love. And it felt so amazing hearing it from an artist’s standpoint of a reciprocation of this. I’ll go into more detail for each song so if you wanna stop here, then all I have to say is that Smile is genuinely one of my favorite albums of all time.. It has this nostalgic, fun, hyper, sincere feeling to it that is so contagious and addicting. I have listened to this album so many times on repeat and I still am not even close to being tired of it. Usually new songs and albums take me a few listens to warm up to… but I fell in love with this album immediately. It reminded me of songs and styles I loved as a kid. It gave a fresh perspective on things. It felt like having fun with a friend. This may be my favorite album in the last 5 years and I’m so happy that it exists. You can feel the love and work that Porter put into it. Some quick thoughts on the songs and how they make me feel/how I interpret them.
01. Knock Yourself Out XD
I think this is the song that I immediately thought “holy fuck, this is amazing.. they don’t make ’em like this anymore.” The catchy lil melody is so fun and gets stuck in my head so easily. It brought me back to early 2000s little unknown MySpace scene kid bands I’d listen to. All those bands are mostly gone now, and if they are still around, they don’t have that same sound anymore. It felt SO good to hear something like this again.
02. Cheerleader
Reading this lyrics, hearing the song, seeing the video. I’ve never felt sooooo seen and a bit roasted in the most catchy and fun way. I just love so much about this song. It makes me feel like I’m speeding SO fast down like.. rainbow road or something. Just going super fast at the speed of light down some winding, neon flashing road. Also like… I’ll post a longer thought piece on this later but the whole “it’s not your fault you’re living in a madhouse” gets me because to MEEE it’s like, yes I’m obsessed with this musician because my life outside of the headphones is so lame and bad that I NEED to escape into this because no one else understands me this well. Bit of personal experience there.
03. Russian Roulette
THIS FUCKING SONG!!!!! Wasn’t expecting something like this at all. Especially when Porter lists all of the reasons he has to keep going. It was a nice little reminder of why we all keep going. Also the lil synth intro and breakdown after the chorus is actually INSANE and I need more songs with that sound. Everything about this album screams nostalgia to me and this song is noooo different.
04. Perfect Pinterest Garden
Probably one of my top favs on the album (I cannot rank formally because I love them all so much). There’s a lyric in this song that stands out to me SO much. “If you saw me, a stranger in the streets, could you tell me you love me? Maybe we should both make real friends.” I love this sooo much because it is a bit thought provoking. Like… if this artist wasn’t an artist.. would you still be interested in them? Would you still think they’re fascinating and someone you’d want to be friends with? Or is it just because you’re putting them on a pedestal? And the “maybe we should both make real friends” is great because, to me, it’s like… oh the artist is kind of addicted to this relationship too.
05. Year of the Cup
I won’t hear out ANY year of the cup slander. Even with the Lil Wayne samples..It’s so good. It’s sooo honest and it’s nice to hear artists be so open. I can tell Porter was being super vulnerable and sincere with this song. It’s like you can almost hear it in his voice. I also love that he calls his one excuse an irresponsible mantra. So many people think that saying “sorry I’m like this” will excuse them from ever changing their ways. This song is just such an amazing example of owning up to mistakes. (( also I wanna know the fully story behind ‘the bus went totally silent’ ))
06. Kitsune Maison Freestyle
This song is so fun but also relevant because damn I AM on a diet so I CANT eat that (I’m gonna anyway)). Soooooo many people are just drowning in insecurity and using money, brands, clothes, etc to cover that up. Insecurity, materialism.. a good topic to touch on. Plus I love the lil rapping part, it’s cute.
07. Easier to Love You
This one hits me hard. Feeling like I let younger me down. Feeling like I’ve let everyone down. It’s comforting to hear this shared experience from an artist I admire. Knowing Porter feels this way too made me cry because he wrote it so beautifully. Especially the “dear future me” part. This song feels so warm and yet like I’m watching my younger self walk home from school in the rain. I can’t explain that last line, but it is what it is. This is a song I needed to hear this (last?) year. I’ve been struggling with the nagging feeling that I’m not where I should be in life at my age and that I haven’t achieved anything that I thought I was going to when I was like, 12 and that I let that version of me down.. But after hearing this song… it felt like I saw her, I talked to her, and she gave me a hug and said she was just happy to see I’m still here.
08. Mona Lisa
Another of my top favorites. I think of this song from the perspective of a lot of different scenarios. I like the way you do your makeup, it’s just sooooo sweet. Probably one of my fav lines on the album, just because.
09. Is There Really No Happiness?
SUCH A HEAVY HITTER FOR ME!!! This song encapsulates every single thing I’ve been feeling regarding nostalgia, missing the past, missing early 2000s technology, old web, playing with my friends, no cellphones. I miss it all so much. I miss when the internet was a CHOICE. Browsing websites was fun because you saw the creator’s personality… everything had personality back then. This song just feels like all of that bittersweetness was somehow put to a melody. Is there really no happiness left without those feelings? Also, “You know, Porter? Some people DIE of nostalgia…. So you better look out” is so good because sometimes I literally feel so depressed because of it, so this was a cute little part to put in.
10. Everything to Me
Finally… this tearjerker. I have a longer thought piece that I’m gonna share eventually on this song alone. This song may be one of my favorite songs of all time. It is rivaling I’ve Got a Dark Alley... by Fall Out Boy. Both songs have completely taken the feelings straight from my brain and heart and everything else and just laid them out on paper and then put them to a heart-wrenching melody. I’ve never heard a song describe fan/artist relationships like this one. It’s so truthful and raw from the artist perspective, but also the chorus could be doubled as a perspective from the fan as well. Hearing the “Get Your Wish” chorus on guitar in the middle of the song made me cry when I first heard it (and still makes me tear up a bit) because 1. It’s maybe my favorite song from Porter of all time and 2. Something about it gave me such a full-circle moment that I can’t really describe.
Overall, I could go on and on about this album and what it means to me, but I’d really just be rambling and no one wants to sit through 20 more paragraphs. Plus, I feel like I can’t really arrange my thoughts how I’d like to so I wouldn’t do it justice anyway. I saw Porter live this past spring in Chicago and seeing him play pretty much every song off of every album was insane. It’s something I’ll remember forever and one of my favorite concerts I’ve been to.
SMILE:D is such an amazing album. It’s fun, happy, sincere, emotional, crazy, loud, sad, nostalgic… so many more words that I can’t think of. Porter said that he feels like he’s at the bottom of the mountain and just getting started as an artist. If this is just him getting started, then I’m so excited to see what lays ahead and what he has in store for us.
Porter, thanks for making this album and being so honest on it. Thanks for showing me that I’m not the only one having these struggles with the past and the future. Can’t wait for the next one. <3
